Whining...

is a little like vomiting in that you get the gross out but the after taste...blech!


So how about a little "wow" by way of God's thoughtfulness instead:


1.  He made apples.  And they are delicious.  He could have made one variety with just one color but instead he made: Golden Delicious and Fuji, Red Delicious and Jona-gold.  How about Honeycrisp and Macintosh,  Braeburn, Granny Smith and even Gravenstein?!?  Those are all great, but to kick it up a notch he made APPLE CIDER DONUTS!! That was really nice of him.  


2.  Today I was able to purchase Emily's first homecoming dress for the outstanding price of...FREE!  Yes, free.  She found a PERFECT dress on clearance (she could have picked the $60 one) and a matching bracelet-also on clearance-AND I had a store credit! After the purchase I still have $8! Very generous of God to orchestrate that one. 


3. Did you know that he created us to have cells in our bodies that already recognize an intruder before its actually been exposed to it? A cellular army at the ready to protect our bodies as soon as a "bad bug" finds its way in.  And the best part is, once its in and our cells recognize it, they MEMORIZE it and the next time it tries to attack, our cellular army annihilates it---before we even feel sick!  Incredible. 


4. He gave us laughter.  Last night I laughed so hard I woke up hoarse.  I love when that happens.  Its good to be joyful.  


So now that I have listed just a couple of the things that have blessed my life today I feel a little less stressed and my bronchioles can chill from all the hyperventilating.   Look it up.  :)

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  

James 1:17

Oh how thankful I am for that.  He just never changes, no matter how much I do.

Gotta run.  I have an exam Monday...to the study cave Batman!

 

I've been thinking...

about the brain.  Go figure.  


Today we started studying it and the topic of memory came up.  Science would tell us that its got most to do with synapses and storage in the neurons.  But, I was left wondering.  If thats all then when someone dies, does science say that all of that is just stuck in there to decay with the rest of the body? So I asked my friend, a doctor, the following question:


My question:


Dr. J, whats your take on the brain and memories? Do you think that its all about synapses and storage in the brain or do you think our soul has a lot to do with it?


His reply:


"min, got your text. yeah buddy that's a hard one. 

the mind is definitely made of neurons and neurons can only act in a certain way. their impulses are measurable and lesions in specific parts of the brain create predictable behaviors in humans. there's even functional MRI that can predict you moving your finger before you're even conscious of deciding to move it. whoa.

but beside that, the brain and its components are far more complex than the some of their parts. i believe inexplicably so. where does the appreciation for beauty come from? or love? or anything like them? but that is not to say that the soul fills in the gaps of human ignorance on the subject. that is an argument of convenience and is readily disposed of, anyway.

i do think there is a soul and that it is, by definition, not quantifiable by science which is an arm of naturalism, the study of nature. but the soul is of the super-nature, i think.

how God weaves the "spiritual amphibian" as CS Lewis calls us, one foot on the shore of the physical realm, one foot in the water of the spirit, i'll never know. but the mystery is good, I think.

how 'bout them apples? lol"



I loved his response. He was sweet to humor me and answered exactly like I'd hoped...a doctor.  


Definitely made me go, hmmmm today. I'm confident that my ignorance on the subject is where most of my gaps come from but I can't make it all make sense by just looking at the science of it. Won't our "memories" work in heaven, as we will recognize our loved ones? Only won't our memories be perfect then with right understanding? We will undoubtedly remember the Word of life that we struggle to comprehend on this side of heaven. 


Frankly, I felt a bit sad at how many "souls" in my class will just accept the science with its gaps and ignore their own eternal soul. 

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go

Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow

Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light

Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night

None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name

You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing God

-Indescribable by Chris Tomlin

Aaaaaalrighty then...

now that I got THAT out of my system.


After I mulled over the fact that its entirely possible God could just be diverting the road a bit in order to better prepare me for the future-I went back online to check on some other possibilities.  I needed class options that could keep me enrolled, give me enough units to raise my priority enrollment and not totally piss me off the whole term.  So here they are...drum roll please:


Spanish 1 (this is so cheating, I know)
Chemistry 306 (I must really hate myself)


Here's why, Spanish 1 because, well, I already know Spanish (pretty much) and Chemistry 306 aka Organic Chemistry, because I like the way a sharp object feels in my eye. No, not really. But it was open and if I take it then I am eligible to submit my application for UC nursing schools and not just JC's.  So thats good right???


And it might just be a blog about nursing school after all...maybe...eventually.


Please tell me I haven't lost my ever loving mind and that I'm not pushing doors open that need to stay shut.
Or just tell me the truth.  Whatever you like.

If only this were a blog about nursing school...

but, its just not.


Not even a wait list open this term.  Not one.  


Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick (yes.  yes it does) but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.


Can I just be honest that I am so discouraged?  


Like the kind of discouraged where I can't make myself move from this spot and put my happy face on.  


Why do I want to be a nurse?  Why is it so hard to just let it go? I can't even get through the pre-requisites part let alone the part where I actually pursue the "dream".  So does this mean that God is shutting the door?  That is, after-all, the prayer I have prayed all along,

 "please God help me be as willing to let it go as I was to take it". 

 Yeah, that one.  The protective prayer.  The one I pray because I know that tomorrow is not promised and even though today I am able to go, tomorrow life may happen and change that.  Its not that I am not sincere when I pray it.  On the contrary, it is my lifeline.  Really and truly. This little "dream" of mine is so deep seeded and tangled up in a whole big bunch of what makes me me that I can easily put a death grip on it and let it ruin me. So, yes, I HAVE to ask Him for the grace to walk away with a measure of composure and whisper all of His promises as I go.  

There's a sign on my front door that I see every time I walk out and it says, "those who know God have great thoughts of God".  I know God and I believe that he is great enough to plan my life without my help or input, but I am just really so disappointed...see Prov 13:12.


Today I long for the 2nd part of that verse and resolve to open my hands and let this all go.


Now, I have to go make dinner.

Today a sweet elderly friend began her chemo treatments...

and as soon as she picked up the phone my heart got all tight and the lump in my throat threatened to keep me from speaking.

When people get "old" and get a terminal diagnosis other old people say stupid things like "Ugh! You are going through with chemo??? You couldn't make me go through chemo! Doctors are the LAST ones to undergo chemo.  Its just no good! What about your quality of life?".  And there stands a frail woman where a once stronger one stood, fear and uncertainty in her eyes and an extra tight grip on my arms.  In that moment it is obvious that no matter what another's opinion is, this woman doesn't want to die, not the way cancer makes it happen and so is willing to endure the ravages of chemo. Would I have understood if she had opted out citing a long, full life and a desire to be with Jesus sooner than later? Yes.  But all my instincts say FIGHT and apparently so do hers!

I hate cancer.  Is it ok to hate in this instance?  My theology says that God is sovereign, even over cancer, but dang it, I hate it.

Ms. Thelma sounded great tonight.  Her first spar with the chemo bag went really well.  No reported nausea, no unusual fatigue. Yet.  She will go at it again tomorrow and the next day.  Then a 21 day reprieve.  She will likely just start to feel like herself again when the next date rolls around.

My elderly friend has a sister that is her lifelong companion and friend. They even live together now in the madness of a 3 family household.  And they are thrilled to have the camaraderie of each other day in and day out.  It is my suspicion that even more than her own desire to live, Ms. Thelma fights for her sister's sake.  She's protecting the heart of the one that is watching helplessly and desires that no sadness befall her.  Such is the way of sisters.

I pray that tomorrow she still has some cheer in her voice and that the anti nausea meds have their full effect.  I pray that she keeps her hair somehow and that the chemo has its way with the tumors.  I pray that she will be able to attend the Seniors meeting each Tuesday regardless of what the medicine may attempt.  I pray that somehow Jesus will shine through those of us who love her and we will have wisdom for when to speak and when to just hug.

***since I first wrote this last week, Ms. Thelma finished her first chemo and was hospitalized yesterday after "losing all her strength".  We dont know yet what is wrong. ***

Why do they have to be so...

so....frustrating! Or maybe the word I'm looking for is heartbreaking.  Children. Teenagers to be specific.  Just when you think that you have finally accomplished the impossible -raised the perfect 16 year old- they go and do something ridiculous like demonstrate their very real sin nature.  AND have the audacity to act as if YOU are totally unreasonable and are the one with the issue. 


Ok, yes.  I have issues.  


However, MY issues are not the ones in the spotlight at the moment.  Then there's the whole, "but its not that big of a deal" shpeel and the "you don't see all the times I get it RIGHT, but you catch my the ONE time I get it WRONG!" and "I've been asking God for help BUT HE'S JUST NOT HELPING ME".  To which I relied, "do you suppose that He demonstrated His love for you by NOT ALLOWING YOU TO GET AWAY WITH THIS???"  *crickets*

My dad said it very well.  "You can't put an old head on young shoulders." That used to infuriate me when I was 16, but now it makes perfect sense.   

There really isn't anything else in this life that leaves me standing, hands dangling at my sides, head down and shoulders sagging than trying to raise up children to be godly young men and women.  I realize that doesn't sound like a parent that is trusting the Lord for their lives.  But it is precisely these times when I look to my Heavenly Father and lay these burdens at His ever capable feet.  


After all, he had to raise me didn't he? 

No. This isn't a blog about running....

or my excursions to the gym cuz frankly I think thats stupid.  BUT! Today I ran THE FASTEST three.three miles I have ever run.  I realize that running 3.3 miles at a nine minute mile is someone else's run while battling pneumonia but for me that is MIRACULOUS!  and I could have kept going.  But lets not talk crazy.  

BOOOYAH!

...and while I was on this miraculous run, I finally decided on  a concrete idea to "fix" my tattoo AND I'm stoked about that too. Except when I tell one of my favorite blog readers he will laugh out loud and immediately point out the obvious, which only makes me want to get the tattoo more.

And I'm off.

Nervous energy....

GALORE!!!  Could be the coffee but I think its the fact that I paid a lot of money to run in that stupid race and I might die before I cross the finish line.  As type A as I am the new worry is what's the right thing to eat before, during (as if I could actually swallow something past the goo that builds up in my mouth when I run and wheeze for miles), and after (like everything I see that isn't squirming or screaming).

I write a blog for the only two people who read it...

so I might as well tell you what today was like cuz you probably can't wait to hear all about it.  

Summer/Fall 2010 class schedules came out, I registered for the Nike Women's 1/2 marathon and even got a healthy dose of reality.  

The class schedule for summer looks promising.  There might even be a possibility that I get in to the "A" part of A&P and stay pseudo on track for what I think is the best possible schedule for my life.  We all know how that is going to turn out. Fall has some good options but to be honest, summer seems like the better choice.  Sort of like ripping off a band-aid.  Painful for a second but over quickly.  The full semester would be more like plucking chest hairs out one by one (not that I have any OR would tell you if I did.  But I do actually know a woman who has them and she always wears really low cut shirts to church which freaks me and the kids in the nursery out.  This is mean and I'm not letting you read it).  

The Nike 1/2 is in October.  Registration opened today but its all lottery -notice a theme in my life??? Lottery to run, lottery to go to school, maybe I should PLAY the lottery - and even though I registered as a part of a team we wont know if we actually got picked until later this month.  Guess I'll just keep running and hope for the best.  Which may well be NOT running 13.1 miles because it is INSANE.  

Now for the reality check.  Don't you ever look at certain people and think, "Boy, so and so and so and so really have it together.  I want to be like them", only to find out that they are just like you, struggling with sin? Even with the knowledge that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, it still sort of scratches up the old rose colored glasses. The struggle really isn't going anywhere this side of heaven and if they're screwed up then, wow, theres just no getting it together.  So, its true... nobody's perfect, not even me *ghasp*.  The pressure is off, phew!  Hopefully this realization will make for a more bold witness and a gentler, more gracious interaction with everyone, including my brothers and sisters in Christ - cuz it's easy to be gracious to those you expect to misbehave but harder when you "know that they know".  Maybe I can give them a heads up on what I re-learned today and help relieve some of the pressure for them too.  

And right now I'm resisting the temptation to edit this for theology in case some sweetie of a Reformed thinker rips it apart.  

But, its just you two so I'll leave it. 

The somethings I learned today...

...never stop to tie your shoe 9/10ths of a way through a long run unless you want to show the passersby what a 90 year old convalescent home resident looks like trying to gain speed. Ha!

I wasn't sure I could actually make my leg move forward after bending down to tie that undone lace. The good news is I didn't fall on my head or blow out a knee cap.

The lessons kept comin' too...

God heals babies but also allows his children to suffer great difficulty. He hasn't revealed the cure for PMS but sometimes makes husbands really understanding. We may taste the sweetness of true friendship but with that the bitterness of goodbye or "see ya in a while", as the case may be. And when we are hurting, sometimes He brings people alongside us but other times He forces us to see that he alone is always enough.

The Bear Crawl

Today I actually got on all fours (hands and feet) in front of 30+ college students and did the "bear crawl" across the gym floor. Being old enough to be the mom of 80% of those students I just had to be the model student and line up first (the LAST time thats going to happen).  Thats when they told us what we had to do.  Yep, I had to bend over with my butt in.the.air right in the faces of those doe-y eyed young men and women and CRAWL across the gym.  Deeeeep breath.  If it was only my butt, thats one thing. But I was sweating like a HORSE!!!  Sweating aaallll over.  And I did it.  I bent over and crawled.  Tonight there are young men somewhere stabbing their eyes out with hangers or sticks or something.  

My consolation is that the class will eventually be over and maybe I will get my anatomy class to end all this humiliation. 

*sigh* 

:)

The Sin Bog

Could it be that since I had such a spiritually "high" weekend Satan felt OBLIGATED to toss me headlong into my sin bog???  Well, its what he did this morning.  I opened my eyes and SMACK, a belly flop right into the muck.  Seriously, every ugly thing possible popped into my brain and hung there like so much sludge.  Not exactly the best way to start my morning.  So I prayed and then I asked my husband to pray.  His windex on my otherwise murky outlook was Romans 8:1 "There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  He reminded me to meditate on that and pretty much tell satan to stick that in his juice box and SUCK IT!  I also cant help but think of Psalm 40.  He will lift me out of the pit and set my feet upon the rock.  Thats really good and welcome news today.

Thank you Father for your free gift, that I have done NOTHING to deserve.  Today, I am really clinging...I mean really.

Oh and did I mention that today is bootcamp??? Lol.

Boot Camp, Alice in Wonderland and Emotions

On boot camp days I want to do anything...ANYTHING...other than boot camp.  Not because its hard, quite the contrary-it is a junior college after all-but because its akin to being demoted back to high school.  

Ironically, tonight I will pretend that I have the stamina of a high schooler and go to the midnight showing of Alice in Wonderland.  Its a birthday gift from my Sammy Boy.  Somehow its sort of not a gift because tomorrow I will still be 36 and my butt will be absolutely dragging.  

And on another completely emotional note...everything I see/read/hear today makes me feel all vaclempt.  Further confirming that I am an old, hormonal, wannabe teenager.   

When it comes...

If I know that something is coming...its just the way it is, Christians face trials of many kinds and I'm certainly no exception...then I want my face to shine with the radiance that only God can give.  Not just pretend by pasting on a faux smile and dribbling out sappy, half-hearted scripture references - but really, truly, honestly glowing with  love for my Savior and joy in my Creator and singing His praises and reciting with conviction his living Word.  When it comes Lord, let that be me.