Today a sweet elderly friend began her chemo treatments...

and as soon as she picked up the phone my heart got all tight and the lump in my throat threatened to keep me from speaking.

When people get "old" and get a terminal diagnosis other old people say stupid things like "Ugh! You are going through with chemo??? You couldn't make me go through chemo! Doctors are the LAST ones to undergo chemo.  Its just no good! What about your quality of life?".  And there stands a frail woman where a once stronger one stood, fear and uncertainty in her eyes and an extra tight grip on my arms.  In that moment it is obvious that no matter what another's opinion is, this woman doesn't want to die, not the way cancer makes it happen and so is willing to endure the ravages of chemo. Would I have understood if she had opted out citing a long, full life and a desire to be with Jesus sooner than later? Yes.  But all my instincts say FIGHT and apparently so do hers!

I hate cancer.  Is it ok to hate in this instance?  My theology says that God is sovereign, even over cancer, but dang it, I hate it.

Ms. Thelma sounded great tonight.  Her first spar with the chemo bag went really well.  No reported nausea, no unusual fatigue. Yet.  She will go at it again tomorrow and the next day.  Then a 21 day reprieve.  She will likely just start to feel like herself again when the next date rolls around.

My elderly friend has a sister that is her lifelong companion and friend. They even live together now in the madness of a 3 family household.  And they are thrilled to have the camaraderie of each other day in and day out.  It is my suspicion that even more than her own desire to live, Ms. Thelma fights for her sister's sake.  She's protecting the heart of the one that is watching helplessly and desires that no sadness befall her.  Such is the way of sisters.

I pray that tomorrow she still has some cheer in her voice and that the anti nausea meds have their full effect.  I pray that she keeps her hair somehow and that the chemo has its way with the tumors.  I pray that she will be able to attend the Seniors meeting each Tuesday regardless of what the medicine may attempt.  I pray that somehow Jesus will shine through those of us who love her and we will have wisdom for when to speak and when to just hug.

***since I first wrote this last week, Ms. Thelma finished her first chemo and was hospitalized yesterday after "losing all her strength".  We dont know yet what is wrong. ***

Why do they have to be so...

so....frustrating! Or maybe the word I'm looking for is heartbreaking.  Children. Teenagers to be specific.  Just when you think that you have finally accomplished the impossible -raised the perfect 16 year old- they go and do something ridiculous like demonstrate their very real sin nature.  AND have the audacity to act as if YOU are totally unreasonable and are the one with the issue. 


Ok, yes.  I have issues.  


However, MY issues are not the ones in the spotlight at the moment.  Then there's the whole, "but its not that big of a deal" shpeel and the "you don't see all the times I get it RIGHT, but you catch my the ONE time I get it WRONG!" and "I've been asking God for help BUT HE'S JUST NOT HELPING ME".  To which I relied, "do you suppose that He demonstrated His love for you by NOT ALLOWING YOU TO GET AWAY WITH THIS???"  *crickets*

My dad said it very well.  "You can't put an old head on young shoulders." That used to infuriate me when I was 16, but now it makes perfect sense.   

There really isn't anything else in this life that leaves me standing, hands dangling at my sides, head down and shoulders sagging than trying to raise up children to be godly young men and women.  I realize that doesn't sound like a parent that is trusting the Lord for their lives.  But it is precisely these times when I look to my Heavenly Father and lay these burdens at His ever capable feet.  


After all, he had to raise me didn't he? 

No. This isn't a blog about running....

or my excursions to the gym cuz frankly I think thats stupid.  BUT! Today I ran THE FASTEST three.three miles I have ever run.  I realize that running 3.3 miles at a nine minute mile is someone else's run while battling pneumonia but for me that is MIRACULOUS!  and I could have kept going.  But lets not talk crazy.  

BOOOYAH!

...and while I was on this miraculous run, I finally decided on  a concrete idea to "fix" my tattoo AND I'm stoked about that too. Except when I tell one of my favorite blog readers he will laugh out loud and immediately point out the obvious, which only makes me want to get the tattoo more.

And I'm off.

Nervous energy....

GALORE!!!  Could be the coffee but I think its the fact that I paid a lot of money to run in that stupid race and I might die before I cross the finish line.  As type A as I am the new worry is what's the right thing to eat before, during (as if I could actually swallow something past the goo that builds up in my mouth when I run and wheeze for miles), and after (like everything I see that isn't squirming or screaming).

I write a blog for the only two people who read it...

so I might as well tell you what today was like cuz you probably can't wait to hear all about it.  

Summer/Fall 2010 class schedules came out, I registered for the Nike Women's 1/2 marathon and even got a healthy dose of reality.  

The class schedule for summer looks promising.  There might even be a possibility that I get in to the "A" part of A&P and stay pseudo on track for what I think is the best possible schedule for my life.  We all know how that is going to turn out. Fall has some good options but to be honest, summer seems like the better choice.  Sort of like ripping off a band-aid.  Painful for a second but over quickly.  The full semester would be more like plucking chest hairs out one by one (not that I have any OR would tell you if I did.  But I do actually know a woman who has them and she always wears really low cut shirts to church which freaks me and the kids in the nursery out.  This is mean and I'm not letting you read it).  

The Nike 1/2 is in October.  Registration opened today but its all lottery -notice a theme in my life??? Lottery to run, lottery to go to school, maybe I should PLAY the lottery - and even though I registered as a part of a team we wont know if we actually got picked until later this month.  Guess I'll just keep running and hope for the best.  Which may well be NOT running 13.1 miles because it is INSANE.  

Now for the reality check.  Don't you ever look at certain people and think, "Boy, so and so and so and so really have it together.  I want to be like them", only to find out that they are just like you, struggling with sin? Even with the knowledge that all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, it still sort of scratches up the old rose colored glasses. The struggle really isn't going anywhere this side of heaven and if they're screwed up then, wow, theres just no getting it together.  So, its true... nobody's perfect, not even me *ghasp*.  The pressure is off, phew!  Hopefully this realization will make for a more bold witness and a gentler, more gracious interaction with everyone, including my brothers and sisters in Christ - cuz it's easy to be gracious to those you expect to misbehave but harder when you "know that they know".  Maybe I can give them a heads up on what I re-learned today and help relieve some of the pressure for them too.  

And right now I'm resisting the temptation to edit this for theology in case some sweetie of a Reformed thinker rips it apart.  

But, its just you two so I'll leave it.