Aaaaaalrighty then...

now that I got THAT out of my system.


After I mulled over the fact that its entirely possible God could just be diverting the road a bit in order to better prepare me for the future-I went back online to check on some other possibilities.  I needed class options that could keep me enrolled, give me enough units to raise my priority enrollment and not totally piss me off the whole term.  So here they are...drum roll please:


Spanish 1 (this is so cheating, I know)
Chemistry 306 (I must really hate myself)


Here's why, Spanish 1 because, well, I already know Spanish (pretty much) and Chemistry 306 aka Organic Chemistry, because I like the way a sharp object feels in my eye. No, not really. But it was open and if I take it then I am eligible to submit my application for UC nursing schools and not just JC's.  So thats good right???


And it might just be a blog about nursing school after all...maybe...eventually.


Please tell me I haven't lost my ever loving mind and that I'm not pushing doors open that need to stay shut.
Or just tell me the truth.  Whatever you like.

If only this were a blog about nursing school...

but, its just not.


Not even a wait list open this term.  Not one.  


Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick (yes.  yes it does) but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.


Can I just be honest that I am so discouraged?  


Like the kind of discouraged where I can't make myself move from this spot and put my happy face on.  


Why do I want to be a nurse?  Why is it so hard to just let it go? I can't even get through the pre-requisites part let alone the part where I actually pursue the "dream".  So does this mean that God is shutting the door?  That is, after-all, the prayer I have prayed all along,

 "please God help me be as willing to let it go as I was to take it". 

 Yeah, that one.  The protective prayer.  The one I pray because I know that tomorrow is not promised and even though today I am able to go, tomorrow life may happen and change that.  Its not that I am not sincere when I pray it.  On the contrary, it is my lifeline.  Really and truly. This little "dream" of mine is so deep seeded and tangled up in a whole big bunch of what makes me me that I can easily put a death grip on it and let it ruin me. So, yes, I HAVE to ask Him for the grace to walk away with a measure of composure and whisper all of His promises as I go.  

There's a sign on my front door that I see every time I walk out and it says, "those who know God have great thoughts of God".  I know God and I believe that he is great enough to plan my life without my help or input, but I am just really so disappointed...see Prov 13:12.


Today I long for the 2nd part of that verse and resolve to open my hands and let this all go.


Now, I have to go make dinner.