She's the wife of a preacher man...

*I wrote this right after Chad received liscensure in the PCA to preach.  Not sure why I didn't post it then.  I was, and am, so very proud of him.*

I know the song says something about being the son of a preacher man but I am claiming artistic license or whatever you call it. Probably, I should pay royalties. Still its true.  Today,  Im the wife of a preacher man. Sort of.  Though, its really no different than two days ago when he was still preaching, just not licensed  in our denomination.  Either way I am so proud of him.  He studied hard, tested well and answered boldly to all the questions he was asked.  I keep waiting for someone to say, "um, 'scuse me...Chad, your license is revoked until you get a handle on your wife!" Ha!

There's a measure of exposure that makes me feel... well, exposed.  There's no such thing as autonomy and forget sharing deep dark secrets with anyone. If that's how I feel how must Chad feel?!?  Reflecting on how God has prepared us for this time I can't help but acknowledge his perfect ingenuity.  Every circumstance has prepared my heart a little better and given me a broader perspective. He's always good that way.  I look forward to what God has in store for us and am confident he will equip me to do what seems utterly out of my skill set.

Milestones...

When I brought Sam home from the hospital, at approximately 18 hours old, I never even thought about 18 years later.  Then he turned like...11 and its all I could think about!  The regular refrain was  "Holy cow! When is this madness going to be over???" Now, he's mostly charming and mostly 18.  Well, 17 and a couple months anyway.  I like to pretend I'm stoic and impervious to the hormonal tidal wave of the average mom but I'm just not.  Every attempt at processing his departure triggers whatever brain part that pushes the tears to the surface.  When did he get here? Where was I while he inched his way to manhood? Here, I guess.  Anxious for the next milestone instead of savoring the one he was just in.

Tomorrow he meets with the Captain of the ROTC program for his scholarship interview.  This is the game changer.  This makes it real.  Oh please God, don't let me cry.

Whining...

is a little like vomiting in that you get the gross out but the after taste...blech!


So how about a little "wow" by way of God's thoughtfulness instead:


1.  He made apples.  And they are delicious.  He could have made one variety with just one color but instead he made: Golden Delicious and Fuji, Red Delicious and Jona-gold.  How about Honeycrisp and Macintosh,  Braeburn, Granny Smith and even Gravenstein?!?  Those are all great, but to kick it up a notch he made APPLE CIDER DONUTS!! That was really nice of him.  


2.  Today I was able to purchase Emily's first homecoming dress for the outstanding price of...FREE!  Yes, free.  She found a PERFECT dress on clearance (she could have picked the $60 one) and a matching bracelet-also on clearance-AND I had a store credit! After the purchase I still have $8! Very generous of God to orchestrate that one. 


3. Did you know that he created us to have cells in our bodies that already recognize an intruder before its actually been exposed to it? A cellular army at the ready to protect our bodies as soon as a "bad bug" finds its way in.  And the best part is, once its in and our cells recognize it, they MEMORIZE it and the next time it tries to attack, our cellular army annihilates it---before we even feel sick!  Incredible. 


4. He gave us laughter.  Last night I laughed so hard I woke up hoarse.  I love when that happens.  Its good to be joyful.  


So now that I have listed just a couple of the things that have blessed my life today I feel a little less stressed and my bronchioles can chill from all the hyperventilating.   Look it up.  :)

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.  

James 1:17

Oh how thankful I am for that.  He just never changes, no matter how much I do.

Gotta run.  I have an exam Monday...to the study cave Batman!

 

I've been thinking...

about the brain.  Go figure.  


Today we started studying it and the topic of memory came up.  Science would tell us that its got most to do with synapses and storage in the neurons.  But, I was left wondering.  If thats all then when someone dies, does science say that all of that is just stuck in there to decay with the rest of the body? So I asked my friend, a doctor, the following question:


My question:


Dr. J, whats your take on the brain and memories? Do you think that its all about synapses and storage in the brain or do you think our soul has a lot to do with it?


His reply:


"min, got your text. yeah buddy that's a hard one. 

the mind is definitely made of neurons and neurons can only act in a certain way. their impulses are measurable and lesions in specific parts of the brain create predictable behaviors in humans. there's even functional MRI that can predict you moving your finger before you're even conscious of deciding to move it. whoa.

but beside that, the brain and its components are far more complex than the some of their parts. i believe inexplicably so. where does the appreciation for beauty come from? or love? or anything like them? but that is not to say that the soul fills in the gaps of human ignorance on the subject. that is an argument of convenience and is readily disposed of, anyway.

i do think there is a soul and that it is, by definition, not quantifiable by science which is an arm of naturalism, the study of nature. but the soul is of the super-nature, i think.

how God weaves the "spiritual amphibian" as CS Lewis calls us, one foot on the shore of the physical realm, one foot in the water of the spirit, i'll never know. but the mystery is good, I think.

how 'bout them apples? lol"



I loved his response. He was sweet to humor me and answered exactly like I'd hoped...a doctor.  


Definitely made me go, hmmmm today. I'm confident that my ignorance on the subject is where most of my gaps come from but I can't make it all make sense by just looking at the science of it. Won't our "memories" work in heaven, as we will recognize our loved ones? Only won't our memories be perfect then with right understanding? We will undoubtedly remember the Word of life that we struggle to comprehend on this side of heaven. 


Frankly, I felt a bit sad at how many "souls" in my class will just accept the science with its gaps and ignore their own eternal soul. 

Who has told every lightning bolt where it should go

Or seen heavenly storehouses laden with snow

Who imagined the sun and gives source to its light

Yet conceals it to bring us the coolness of night

None can fathom

Indescribable, uncontainable,

You placed the stars in the sky and You know them by name

You are amazing God

All powerful, untameable,

Awestruck we fall to our knees as we humbly proclaim

You are amazing God

-Indescribable by Chris Tomlin

Aaaaaalrighty then...

now that I got THAT out of my system.


After I mulled over the fact that its entirely possible God could just be diverting the road a bit in order to better prepare me for the future-I went back online to check on some other possibilities.  I needed class options that could keep me enrolled, give me enough units to raise my priority enrollment and not totally piss me off the whole term.  So here they are...drum roll please:


Spanish 1 (this is so cheating, I know)
Chemistry 306 (I must really hate myself)


Here's why, Spanish 1 because, well, I already know Spanish (pretty much) and Chemistry 306 aka Organic Chemistry, because I like the way a sharp object feels in my eye. No, not really. But it was open and if I take it then I am eligible to submit my application for UC nursing schools and not just JC's.  So thats good right???


And it might just be a blog about nursing school after all...maybe...eventually.


Please tell me I haven't lost my ever loving mind and that I'm not pushing doors open that need to stay shut.
Or just tell me the truth.  Whatever you like.

If only this were a blog about nursing school...

but, its just not.


Not even a wait list open this term.  Not one.  


Proverbs 13:12
Hope deferred makes the heart sick (yes.  yes it does) but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.


Can I just be honest that I am so discouraged?  


Like the kind of discouraged where I can't make myself move from this spot and put my happy face on.  


Why do I want to be a nurse?  Why is it so hard to just let it go? I can't even get through the pre-requisites part let alone the part where I actually pursue the "dream".  So does this mean that God is shutting the door?  That is, after-all, the prayer I have prayed all along,

 "please God help me be as willing to let it go as I was to take it". 

 Yeah, that one.  The protective prayer.  The one I pray because I know that tomorrow is not promised and even though today I am able to go, tomorrow life may happen and change that.  Its not that I am not sincere when I pray it.  On the contrary, it is my lifeline.  Really and truly. This little "dream" of mine is so deep seeded and tangled up in a whole big bunch of what makes me me that I can easily put a death grip on it and let it ruin me. So, yes, I HAVE to ask Him for the grace to walk away with a measure of composure and whisper all of His promises as I go.  

There's a sign on my front door that I see every time I walk out and it says, "those who know God have great thoughts of God".  I know God and I believe that he is great enough to plan my life without my help or input, but I am just really so disappointed...see Prov 13:12.


Today I long for the 2nd part of that verse and resolve to open my hands and let this all go.


Now, I have to go make dinner.

Today a sweet elderly friend began her chemo treatments...

and as soon as she picked up the phone my heart got all tight and the lump in my throat threatened to keep me from speaking.

When people get "old" and get a terminal diagnosis other old people say stupid things like "Ugh! You are going through with chemo??? You couldn't make me go through chemo! Doctors are the LAST ones to undergo chemo.  Its just no good! What about your quality of life?".  And there stands a frail woman where a once stronger one stood, fear and uncertainty in her eyes and an extra tight grip on my arms.  In that moment it is obvious that no matter what another's opinion is, this woman doesn't want to die, not the way cancer makes it happen and so is willing to endure the ravages of chemo. Would I have understood if she had opted out citing a long, full life and a desire to be with Jesus sooner than later? Yes.  But all my instincts say FIGHT and apparently so do hers!

I hate cancer.  Is it ok to hate in this instance?  My theology says that God is sovereign, even over cancer, but dang it, I hate it.

Ms. Thelma sounded great tonight.  Her first spar with the chemo bag went really well.  No reported nausea, no unusual fatigue. Yet.  She will go at it again tomorrow and the next day.  Then a 21 day reprieve.  She will likely just start to feel like herself again when the next date rolls around.

My elderly friend has a sister that is her lifelong companion and friend. They even live together now in the madness of a 3 family household.  And they are thrilled to have the camaraderie of each other day in and day out.  It is my suspicion that even more than her own desire to live, Ms. Thelma fights for her sister's sake.  She's protecting the heart of the one that is watching helplessly and desires that no sadness befall her.  Such is the way of sisters.

I pray that tomorrow she still has some cheer in her voice and that the anti nausea meds have their full effect.  I pray that she keeps her hair somehow and that the chemo has its way with the tumors.  I pray that she will be able to attend the Seniors meeting each Tuesday regardless of what the medicine may attempt.  I pray that somehow Jesus will shine through those of us who love her and we will have wisdom for when to speak and when to just hug.

***since I first wrote this last week, Ms. Thelma finished her first chemo and was hospitalized yesterday after "losing all her strength".  We dont know yet what is wrong. ***